A little less conversation

I've been in customer service now for a decade and a half, and as is typically the case, I don't have much to show for it. I don't know about other people, but there came a point in my life where I identified that I enjoyed doing it, and wanted to improve how I did it. This is such a huge turning point I couldn't overstate it if I tried.

Once there's something/someone you want, you go to work trying to figure out what alterations you can make in yourself to enhance your chances of success. Some of us, myself included, are a little more limited than others in the range of viable focus. My brain has two settings. The first is a depressed/void setting that makes me speak little and listen lots. Everything I say has been carefully crafted in my mind, and my ability to focus and retain, let's say: school work, becomes unfathomable. I spend the majority of my days in my mind and hate social interaction.

The other setting is, fittingly enough, the polar opposite. I'm gregarious, sociable, when I speak it's almost stream of consciousness. It's like sitting on a sofa inside your head watching your body life your life for you. It's surreal, and it enhances my customer service, my interaction with people, my ability to love and be loved, while simultaneously making it virtually impossible to focus my mind on anything for even a short period of time.

For a few years I switched back and forth between the two, knowing that the depressed/focused setting would certainly yield a better quality of life for me in the long run, including an education, and a wealth of knowledge. But the expectation of those around you to behave a certain way proved more potent a factor that I could have ever imagined. I forced myself to live in the moment, making the best of today and not worrying about tomorrow. Trying to have fun and let those around me revel in the positivity. But most importantly, as I remained in customer service, the happy/gregarious setting was far more often than not an instrument to create success. With my natural intelligence, I needed only utilize a small fraction of focus to learn and complete operational tasks as a manager, and then spent the vast majority of my time with the customer, sharing this gift with them.

The downside is that after ten years of going back and forth, I've found that there is no middle ground, at least for me. And as of the last two years, the depressed/focused setting has all but been dismantled. You can teach yourself to handle depression by training your mind not to wallow in it, but if your depression is simply a manifestation of a legitemate personal tragedy, you're likely to succumb to the sadness, as it is only pragmatic to do so. I just can't in my mind imagine a time/scenario where I could come to grips with being crippled, being in obscene pain, having thrown my life away numerous times, and just learning to live with it.

The only good thing that's truly come out of the last few years is my own view of myself, and the expectations set upon me. There are none, and with all the pressure from schooling and management and growing up, the alleviation of expectation is a game-changer in so many ways it's surreal. Every day I go to bed not having caused any pain or destruction to myself or anyone else, is a great success. And, for some people not totally supportive, it defies conventional expectation of me. Sadly, in the end, I think the only way I could be truly happy as I am today is to have the perspective I do, a constant and permanent reminder of my failures, and incentive to get better. I don't think I would have learned that lesson on my own. God held my hand through all of it.